Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
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someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
lmfao
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.