I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
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Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Me driving through Toronto
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water