I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
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So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
That’s fair
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…