I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
You Might Also Like
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.