Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42