Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
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Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
hmm conte-me mais
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
#Caturday
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower