HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
plums roundup
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”