What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
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Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side