GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
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Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”