Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
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Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My work here is done
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]