Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
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“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Attacked by a mop.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.