Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
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I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.