“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
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Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Blew my mind.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*