(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
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Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
lol
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five