Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
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Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I’m listening
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.