doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
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*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
jesus, what did this guy do
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Good morning, Twitter x
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please