Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
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Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
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“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Batman v Dracula