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IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.