What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
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I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
*gets down on one knee*
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.