My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
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Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.