14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
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ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.