Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
You Might Also Like
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.