Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
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“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
cry laughing at this shit
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Still a very good boi….
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen