Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
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[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.