Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
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You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
is this a warning or an offer?
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
5 ways to appear taller
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB