found this cool rock hiking today
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BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.