Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
You Might Also Like
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
“What?”
– Jude
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Gods work.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.