I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
You Might Also Like
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague