Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
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i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.