I’ve been learning to cook.
You Might Also Like
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
In banana years, I am bread.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
😍😂🥰😂😍
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
#Caturday
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/