Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
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Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
british sex workers really pound for pound
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.