our love story in four pictures
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Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Quadruple digit IQ
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.