Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
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I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.