Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
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cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE