Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
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Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
mom gave me mine for free
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Don’t forget to tip your server
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?