“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
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I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.