I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
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Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.