I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
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Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Had to try this trend 😊
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
road rage
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently