damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
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[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”