Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
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Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder