I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
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He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.