When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
You Might Also Like
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.