My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
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wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
My life in a nutshell
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*