Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
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Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
My boss called in sick of me
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE