Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
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The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time