It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
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Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Given the memory span of a goldfish…