it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
You Might Also Like
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.