Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
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Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
*Seductively hides in the woods
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.