When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
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I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Good dog. ❤️
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri