My horoscope said I should kiss you today
You Might Also Like
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Oops
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
*offers Batman cough drops*
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING